I get these depressive episodes sometimes… like, I wouldn’t call them part of my depression. At least not entirely. They’re more like episodes where I want to fling the entire world into the depths of the universe like a javelin thrower knocking it out of the ballpark.
I think I just got my sports references mixed up, but I don’t care.
Depressive episodes come and go, and I find myself just feeling like a Debbie Downer for no reason in particular. But along with the depressive episode, often triggered by gloomy weather (we’ll talk about Seasonal Affective Disorder later) or an interruption in my normally scheduled routine, there are these periods where I feel so much rage and irritation pent up that I flip out at the slightest comment.
No. It is not PMS. So don’t even start.
Someone could accidentally drop a plastic cup and startle me, and I’ll yell at them like they’ve just shot my cat. Most times, it’s pretty funny for those around me when I’m easily startled (which is actually a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder… The More You Know *rainbow hands*), but when I freak out on them for doing something accidentally that they didn’t intend to upset me and that wouldn’t upset a normal person, it’s not so funny.
Yes, I get depressive episodes where I lay like a slug on the couch or just binge watch the static on the TV screen, but I don’t know why I get so angry and irritated for no reason at all. It doesn’t seem like its a symptom of depression or anxiety, so I got to wondering if it was something to do with my borderline personality disorder that brings on these bouts of anger.
True, it could be that, but then I stumbled upon this article by Megan Brooks from Medscape.com (I can’t link to it for some reason) about “irritability and anger during major depressive episode(s)” being a sign of a more severe form of major depressive disorder. Even though my depression has been marked down on the scale to “moderate depression,” I looked the article over, and I have to admit that some of it sounded like me. This line in particular stuck out to me:
“The most important finding in this paper is that it confirms… that the majority of people with irritability and depression do not have bipolar disorder.”
-Roy H. Perlis, MD
So, it’s a possibility. I don’t have bipolar disorder, I know that. But these depressive episodes where I’m angry and irritable have made me wonder, and I’ve even considered getting tested for bipolar. I haven’t though because my therapists have been pretty accurate in diagnosing me, and bipolar disorder never came into consideration. Maybe my mood swings are something else entirely. If it’s not bipolar, what is it? Could it be that I have a major depressive disorder despite the results of my last doctor’s visit?
Then I found an article from Calm Clinic about the link between anger and anxiety. This one sounded even more like me, although not totally. There’s even a test on there to gauge whether you have anxiety or not, though the GAD-7 scale is good enough for me most times.
The article goes on to say how anger can come from anxiety because of the fight or flight response. Most times, those with anxiety disorders will use the flight response because they’re anxious and want to “flee.” Anxiety anger is triggered when someone uses the fight response rather than the flight. This is all subconscious, as the fight or flight response is something that happens in the brain rather than a conscious decision made, and I find that this description fits me much more.
Having suffered verbal and emotional abuse for most of my life, my fight response has kicked into overdrive. This may be why my anxiety attacks, which can happen at any time for any reason (sometimes no reason), trigger the fight response rather than flight. I don’t know for sure. I’m not a doctor. I do, however, plan on asking my therapist about these episodes the next time I see her.
Whatever it is, I at least have a better understanding as to why these periods of intense irritation and anger occur. Depressive episodes or anger anxiety… it doesn’t really matter which one it is in the end. What matters is how I deal with it.
That’s what this blog is about: overcoming anxiety and learning to live without it. And I fully intend to do that. In order to do that, I need to understand, to the best of my ability and my doctors’ abilities, what is going on in my head and why. I feel like that would be the biggest step in my journey to overcome anxiety.
If anyone has experienced angry depressive episodes like these, any advice on how to better deal with them would be appreciated. If you don’t want to use the comments section, you can email me at amber.hiddlestoned@gmail.com.
First of all, I know what Seasonal Affectional Disorder (SAD) is. I suffer from that as well. I think that we all have this. Take your Vitamin D and check out “Medical Food” and Deprin. It was a game changer for me. Good luck. Check back..
Thanks! I will definitely try that! Yeah, SAD is especially tough for me in the wintertime, but it’s been bad lately because of the rain and clouds. Thunderstorms make me happy, oddly enough, but general dreariness and a lack of sunshine bring me down. I’ll definitely check back and let you know how your suggestion works out!
– Posted this comment on a reblog by mistake, so posting it here again.
Although I’m generally the super-quiet, super-sensitive introvert in any situation, I understand exactly where you’re coming from.
Getting frustrated at work used to be like a party trick of mine. Everyone I used to work with, – currently on a self-imposed sabbatical, – knew I suffered from depression and anxiety, which obviously helped a great deal, but still, working in a warehouse can be a minefield of frustration, believe me.
Sometimes I would reach a point where something so stupid, or unreasonable would happen to agitate my already battered psyche, that I would grab one of the products in the warehouse, usually a broom or shovel, – it was an industrial cleaning business, – and literally smash the thing into the sealed stone floor repeatedly, until it was completely obliterated, of course people would just keep their distance, these outbursts were so out of character for me I knew it scared my fellow co-workers, but because they were aware of my mental health issues they would just let me carry on.
After such an experience my hands and arms would be ringing like bells, and someone in the building would usually shout out something handy like, – ” I wish I could do that, and get away with it! ” – which would always defuse the tension in the air created by these surreal outbursts of nonsensical anger.
Anyway, one day a friend from the warehous office came out after I had just killed another shovel and asked me if I was okay, to which I replied, still shaking violently –
– “Oh yeah, fine.”
He smiled and said, – “Is it safe to come over?”
Looking at the shovel, I said, – “Yeah, it’s dead now.”
So he came over and we started talking about what had pissed me off, and I honestly can’t remember what it was, something petty I’m sure, it usually was, and he just changed the conversation to something positive, told me to take 5 minutes to calm down, patted me on the back and told me if I ever needed to talk to anyone, he was always available.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, the fact that I was completely honest with my employers from day one about how I felt on the inside, meant that although sometimes my behaviour was erratic and unpredictable, it was always accepted.
– Anxiety and frustration go hand in hand, I learned to accept my anxiety a long time ago.
– Personally I’ve found that accepting anxiety is a lot easier than fighting it, and if everybody else knows exactly how you feel, they will also accept it.
– And just knowing everyone else understands, or is at least aware of your situation, can make these outbursts less frequent, less intense, and what the Hell, a bit of a laugh.
* sorry for the long comment, but your plight rang a lot of bells.
Tc, E
I’m so glad to know there are people out there who understand my frustration with this! Thank you! And don’t worry about the long comment. I don’t mind. 🙂
That’s pretty awesome how you can smash a shovel to pieces, though. Not that it’s a good thing to have those outbursts, but I’m impressed by the strength it takes to do something like that.
I’m glad you’ve been able to accept your anxiety. Just remember, you can beat it! Accepting is the first step on the way to recovery.
🙂