I’ve got a record going of 27 years without a date on Valentine’s Day. Granted, my younger years shouldn’t count, but it’s still a record.

 

How To Fail At Valentine’s Day

 

I’m going to be straight up with you — the dating pool around here sucks. I’m serious. The guys are either liberal, stuck-up douchenuggets, or they’re totally unattractive. Now, that may sound high maintenance of me, but I’m not going to date someone if I’m not physically attracted to them. I’m not going to lie to them and say “Yeah, I’m attracted to you” when in reality, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Better to be a stuck-up jerk than dishonest, I say.

 

However, there are several things that I know I’ve done in my life to fail at Valentine’s Day, and I just want to run through a few of them.

 

 

#1 – Become A Hermit

Just don’t go anywhere. Ever since I graduated college, I haven’t been able to properly socialize. Why? Accessibility. And debt. It’s all fun and games when you’re in college, unless you’re too busy working on your studies. I fully intended to get my money’s worth from my educational experience, and I spent most of my time writing papers and doing other homework. The one guy that had a mutual interest was already taken, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to make him stray.

 

After college, I was at least an hour away from everyone I knew (minus one of my best friends, who lives in the same town as me). Traveling to see them wasn’t a possibility. It was work, work, work from there. If you want to fail at Valentine’s Day, make sure you completely ignore any socialization skills you’ve learned and only go out if you’re going to work. Make sure you work in an environment where there are no cute guys anywhere near you. You’re guaranteed to avoid dating entirely.

 

#2 – Go Broke

This is easy when you get out of college (or while you’re there!), but I took it to the extreme. I concentrated so much on spending every last cent on paying bills and getting ahead on my college debt that I completely forgot to have a life. My pride doesn’t allow me to let a guy pay for my meal, or even my coffee, so I need to learn to overcome that. I’ve also got this guilt trip going about paying my parents back ASAP, so I feel bad about spending any money on myself. This doesn’t mean I never do that, but it’s quite rare as of late.

 

I’m still in recovery mode for my health, so energy levels have plummeted to all-time lows (see Passing The Time for more info). This means that my productivity for writing isn’t that great, so I’m earning enough to pay my bills, but that’s about it. In order to fail at Valentine’s Day, you must not only be a hermit, but you must be financially unattractive in every sense of the word. A girl who can’t pay for herself and who refuses to let someone else pay for her out of a misplaced sense of pride isn’t an attractive dating prospect.

 

#3 – Be Afraid Of Relationships

If you want to fail at Valentine’s Day, this one’s pretty easy. Men can sense the fear, especially when you get defensive after they make a move. Once again, I would like to stress how awful the dating pool is around here, but I’ve had my fair share of anxiety attacks when a dude expresses interest. It’s part of what has kept me from interacting with the world. I might have to sift through a few crumbs before I find an adorable hunk of bread to call mine (I don’t even know what I just said…).

 

In order to fail at Valentine’s Day, you need to be afraid of talking to, looking at, and generally being in the presence of potential dates. I mean, hell on wheels… I couldn’t even find a date when I worked at Caribou Coffee. Aren’t baristas supposed to get a lot of attention? Then again, I was so overworked and overstressed that I didn’t put a lot of effort into my appearance. Now that my haircut is adorable (I really need to post a picture…), I should revisit the coffee shop at least once a week and hang out for a few hours. People watch. Try to interact with the world.

 

#4 – Ignore Online Dating Sites Altogether

I hate online dating. I don’t like having to depend on a virtual matchmaker to find a guy for me. Unfortunately, in my case, it seems like my best bet for finding someone. I’m a young, white, conservative Christian, so the world pretty much hates my guts. Finding a guy that shares my core belief system (there’s room for different opinions, but the foundation needs to be there) that the entire Bible is the word of God. That’s all I really ask. Anyways, back to the online dating site thing.

 

I’ve used the fear of dating site dangers (serial killers posing as dateable dudes) to make excuses for not trying them out. I also don’t have any money for the monthly subscription (see tip #2), so I’m limited to crappy free sites. Skout was the scariest thing I’ve ever tried. I quit after one day. I had a bunch of 40 and 50 year old dudes messaging me. I’m not even 30 yet, and I’d really like to stay within my age group. Still, sites like Tinder have been pretty popular, and I shouldn’t be afraid of getting messages from creepers. There will always be creepers. If you want to fail at Valentine’s Day, avoid online dating sites that could potentially help you meet your one and only.

 

#5 – Refuse Introductions From Friends

Let me tell y’all a little story. I have actually been on two dates in my lifetime, but they weren’t on Valentine’s Day, so they don’t count for this blog post. However, I now refuse any and all introductions from friends to people they think would be a good match for me. Why? Because my friend vouched for this guy… she called him “sweet, but he has a little trouble with girls.” You know why he has trouble with the opposite sex? Because he dangled the table centerpiece in front of me, making baby noises like I was a cat. Lord help me, I still gave him a second chance.

 

Needless to say, it didn’t work out. The one time I let my friend hook me up, and she endorsed a grade A weirdo. If you want to fail at Valentine’s Day, make sure you label all recommendations the same way because of one experience. Take that experience as gospel for how guys are going to act if your friend knows them. This is your one-way ticket to singlehood.

 

In Conclusion…

Don’t actually do these things. Learn from my mistakes. It may be too late for me to find someone, or there could be a reason it’s taking so long. Who knows? My advice to you is to try new experiences while exercising an appropriate amount of caution. Don’t go on a blind date with someone from Craigslist, but don’t refuse others’ advice on dating. A lot of people meet their match through friends, online dating sites, or just hanging out at their favorite spots. Get out of town once in awhile. Let the guy pay for you sometimes (a lot of my guy friends tell me that it makes them uncomfortable when a girl refuses to let them pay). Don’t fail at Valentine’s Day – just be yourself and enjoy it!