How’s that for a classy title? In all seriousness, though, I really mean it when I say admitting your mistakes can improve your mental health. How you look at life has a lot to do with how you feel, how you react to a situation, and how you treat people.

Now, I know I’m one of the last who should be preaching about this, as I usually hold nasty grudges against people who’ve wronged me, but I’ve discovered that the more I let go of the enmity I feel for my “enemies,” the more I feel better. That’s not to say it’s an easy thing to do. It is, in fact, one of the hardest.

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Let me tell y’all a little story.

I had a friend in college we’ll call Chrissy. She and I had differing views on just about everything; we were as far apart as the east is from the west, but we bonded in poetry class somehow. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, albeit with our mutual friend Eileen (also a pseudonym), it was when we discovered we each knew the lyrics to The Labyrinth’s “You Remind Me Of The Babe” song bit. Good times.

At any rate, Chrissy and I became like sisters. We agreed to disagree when we disagreed, although she was still a bit rough to me when I mentioned my beliefs in any way, but we got along famously otherwise. We’d go out for margaritas, spend time discussing poetry and authors, and one time, when I was sick, she brought me coloring pages and some markers. Oh! And a chai tea. It was the best thing ever. We sat there, both 20-somethings in the middle of a college campus, and colored children’s coloring pages. We were weird like that.

I won’t go into detail about how it all went down, but I hit a personal note that knocked her right out of tune. It wasn’t anything that should have offended anyone; it was, in fact, something endearing and open-hearted. She cussed me out pretty good, calling me every name in the book and telling me how much she hated me because I was a Christian. That last bit hit a deep personal note for me; I was with my friend Amy (pseudo… well, you know) at the time and I don’t remember the next thirty minutes after reading the email all this BS had been sent in.

It hurt. It hurt so bad that I called Eileen up bawling my eyes out, asking why Chrissy had done this. She couldn’t come up with much of an explanation. It felt like a piece of me had been ripped out, like I’d lost a family member, or been completely disowned by them. I didn’t know what to do.

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The point is, no matter who was right or who was wrong, I needed to forgive her. Whatever it was I’d done to hurt her to the point where she felt the need to hurt me more, I needed to apologize. The wounds made by words that we carry around with us will cause us to eventually bleed out if we don’t let them heal.

I asked Eileen for Chrissy’s new address, as she had moved to Seattle shortly after the blowout. I carefully wrapped up a gift I’d made for her (it’s a secret what it was) and enclosed a note that said only this:

“I forgive you, and I’m sorry.”

I wanted her to know not only that I was sorry for whatever it was that I had done, but that I held no grudge against her. Not anymore. I carried around a lot of hate for awhile. My release came from not only forgiving her, but apologizing as well. I gritted my teeth and said I was sorry.

And it felt good.

Although Chrissy and I are no longer in contact, we parted ways as friends. She sent me a message saying she thought the present was very thoughtful. Sort of her way of saying “I forgive you too.” The anxiety and depression I felt at losing a friend in such an emotionally violent way disappeared. I’d been sick to death over it, and I immediately felt a sense of clarity and cleansing in my mind.

So how can you do this in your own life?

God says this about the necessity of forgiveness and the dangers of letting anger rule your life:

“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” -Ephesians 4:26-27

“For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” -James 1:20

Don’t expect absolution and release to happen overnight. I’m still working on a few other grudges I hold, and things like this take time. Just remember not to take forever. Hatred and enmity are a slow poison that slowly corrodes the veins, and you’ve got to make sure you get it out of your system.

When making my decision to let go of my animosity towards Chrissy, I found these tips to be useful:

• Think about why you’re really angry with the person. What is it exactly that you’re angry about?
• Write out your feelings in a letter. You don’t have to send the letter to the person; writing/typing it out simply helps you to clearly state why you’re hurting. I’ve found I speak much more clearly when I write things out versus “going live” and blurting things out. I do better when I’m self-scripted.
• Apologize. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. Just say you’re sorry.
• Prepare yourself for a rejection. Don’t be dependent on a mutual apology to make those hurt feelings go away. The person you apologize to may not meet you halfway, but you can rest easy knowing that you’ve done your best to heal the situation.
• After doing these things, if you feel the need to walk away from the relationship, do so. Sometimes it’s healthier for you to terminate what would otherwise be an unfruitful friendship that can’t move forward. If you can move past it all, great. Either way, do what is right for you; don’t stay in the friendship out of a sense of guilt or obligation.

Finding forgiveness and forgiving others is difficult, but not impossible. God is there to help you through the process. His love gives us the courage to display compassion and forgiveness in our own lives, so take heart. There is hope for leading a less stressful life free of the grudges that are weighing you down. It may take time, but you’ll get there.