Body image is something I’ve long struggled with, though not in the way you might think. Aside from my constant war with acne and the tendency to scratch every bug bite I have until it bleeds, my eating disorder isn’t the only thing that’s caused me to take pause and question my body.

As soon as I got out of homeschooling and went to public and private school, I had to endure snide comments by my peers about how I was pathetic and small, and other kids’ image of me made me an easy target for bullying, both emotionally and physically. I remember being thrown around a lot (and yes, I mean thrown). I also remember wishing I was bigger, less fragile, so I wouldn’t have to be afraid to go to school.

I guess I got to thinking about all this when I looked in the mirror the other day. Ever since I’ve quit my job and regained the ability to put on weight, I’ve been obsessed with making sure it stays on, so I tend to check my girth in the mirror to make sure it’s still there. I had just eaten, so my stomach stuck out in a slight curve. I frowned at it, thinking that because my back is slightly more curved than others, that I was some weird S-shape, which made me look like I was 3 months pregnant.

I would like to note here that I was not unhappy because I thought I was fat, or I needed to lose weight. I just wish my stomach was flatter, but not thinner. I absolutely want to keep all the weight I’ve gained; I’m just not happy with how it’s being distributed. Do you know what I mean? It’s like… why can’t this weight go to my boobs or my butt like it does for everyone else?

By the way, I would like to mention how happy I am that I have boobs now. I mean, I did before, but they would barely make the case for size 30A. Now I’m pushing 34A. This is due in very large part to the birth control pills I’m on (which are not for birth control; they’re for regulating my hormones and keeping endometriosis at bay) which have the lovely side effect of breast enlargement. The only sucky part is that now my boobs are sore. Growing pains, as my mom said.

Sorry about that. I’m just so happy I have boobs now.

At any rate, I know the easy solution to my stomach troubles is doing a few sit-ups a day. Not that difficult. But I know in my heart that there’s nothing wrong with having a little curve to your stomach. As long as I’m properly nourishing it and taking care of it, I’ll be happy and healthy, and that’s all I can really ask for. There are so many women out there that struggle to lose even a little bit of weight, and here I am, freaking out about having a tiny food bump for a stomach. Geez, Amber.

If there’s a moral to this off-the-wall post, I’d say it’s that you should be happy with who you are. You should, however, also take care of who you are. I’m going to try to continue to gain weight because I know that I’m still not at a healthy weight. Likewise, you can be a confident plus size woman but still have the goal of losing weight to be healthier if you need to. Either way, have a goal. My goal is to get out of 00 size jeans. Yes, 00 is an actual size. I have a couple pairs from American Eagle, and they are very comfy.

Just love yourself. God didn’t create all of us to be Abercrombie & Fitch models. Weight isn’t a deciding factor for who gets into heaven. It also does not decide your worth. Seeing the beauty in yourself every day can be a challenge, but it’s something we can all achieve. Through God’s eyes, we are able to see our value and beauty with a pure lens.