So, here I am again.
Another morning suffering unemployment anxiety and feeling like a loser for not having a job. Feeling guilty that I’m burdening those around me, leeching off of them like some sort of parasite.
Yes, I realize I quit my job knowing I would be losing my only source of income. And yes, I know that my bank account is bleeding out because of bills. I realize that as of late, I haven’t been trying as hard to find a full-time job. I’ve done this to myself, and now I must live with it. I could have stayed at that horrible job and just grit my teeth, plastered a smile on my face, and carried on (no keeping calm, though), but to me, that would have been the worse decision.
I know that my health would have continued to deteriorate. I got down to 83 lbs working there, and I’m now back up to a healthier 89 lbs in just a month. I realize I sound more depressed than usual in my posts. Well, that’s because I am depressed. I’m struggling today. Every day is a struggle, but it’s much worse today. I’m tired and haggard and mentally exhausted from trying to find ways to work from home. But the fact that I’m healthier than I was, at least physically, is enough to help me cling on to that hope that I can succeed and make something of myself.
I’ve discovered that I find freelancing work more rewarding than any job I’ve ever worked. Even working at the coffee shop (something I’ve wanted to do ever since I reached a legal working age, maybe before…) with an endless supply of caffeine that was my own personal heaven wasn’t as good as this. I’ve had a couple freelancing gigs on Fiverr, but so far my “business” has yet to take off. I’ve written several product reviews, all of which have been rejected. I take surveys all day in hopes of earning at least $3 that day. I wait hours on end for an available website test on UserTesting. I’ve yet to meet the mark of paying my bills per month. This can take time… time that I don’t want it to take. Time that I can’t afford to take. But I must take it anyway.
I’m scared because I’m not sure if freelancing is my niche that I’ve finally found, or if I’ve just settled down comfortably in the bed of the jobless. Is this really what I’m meant to do? It feels right… being able to set my own schedule and work on things I’m passionate about. I can write about whatever I want with the chance to get paid for it. I can do simple things like test a website or take a survey and earn a bit of cash. All these opportunities have the potential to build into a full-time career where I’m my own boss.
For someone with GAD, this is all very unnerving, and although it’s not causing me the same amount or same type of stress as my old job, it still makes me dizzy and fearful. Overcoming the anxiety of being unemployed but still working is difficult.
There are tools I need to make this work (new computer, cell phone that supports mobile testing, a work desk), but I’m using all available funds to pay for medical bills and therapy. I’ve thought about starting a GoFundMe campaign for crowd fundraising, but everything inside me screams out against it. I’m prideful to a great fault, and though I am as generous as I can be with what I have, I have a very (if not impossible) time of accepting any sort of charity, even if it’s for something I really need. Even starting a crowdfunding campaign to pay my therapy bills makes me feel ill. I wouldn’t even need that much money, as I’m planning to wrap up treatment in six months.
I know that, given time and the right tools, this freelancing thing can work! I don’t know what I should do… working from home has been an incredible benefit to my health so far, but not my wallet. Does anyone have any suggestions? If you do, please leave them in the comments below or email me at amber.hiddlestoned@gmail.com. I could really use some help.