Well, today’s the day my dad goes back to Mayo for a post-op checkup. It’s also the day I go in for an eye exam because I was an idiot, and at some point I scratched my glasses. So there’s $350 gone. So if I don’t post as much this week, it’s because I get severe headaches when I look at a computer screen without my glasses for too long. But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.

My dad will be having a blood test, CT scan and doctor’s appointment with his new oncologist. Even though the CT scan showed all clear except for those liver spots he had to have removed (which you can read about here), it’s still nerve-wracking to think that something might show up again. I’d highly doubt there could have been substantial growth of any cancer cells in the short span of a month, but it’s possible.

This whole ordeal has brought back a longtime fear of mine: losing my parents.

Though my mom is probably going to kill me for mentioning this, this fear has been fed by my mother’s upcoming appointment for a colonoscopy. I mean, given that colonoscopies as of late have had bad results, no one can really blame me for being nervous about it.

It’s been difficult as of late, watching my parents’ van pull out of the driveway, thinking that they could get hit by a car at any moment. It’s an irrational fear, but I’ve been afraid of this type of incident in particular since I was 18. I can’t remember which post I talked about this in, but it  was that when I rode in the van with my parents on the way back home from the hospital, I freaked out inside at every oncoming car, thinking it would suddenly veer into our lane.

This anxiety I feel is growing more prevalent as the years go onward. I thought I had gotten over it, but it still plagues me every time my family steps out the door. It has extended to my siblings as well since they have their own careers now, and so they travel back and forth to work several times a week. I think perhaps I’m more aware of the dangers now because I often see my dad praying for my siblings’ safety as they travel, which, while there’s nothing wrong with my dad doing this, causes me to consider what could happen to them as they drive to work.

I had a friend in college who lost her older sister when she was very young when her sister was hit by a car. My mother has lost both her parents, and my dad had to face the harsh reality of possibly losing his in the next few years. The list of prayer concerns for dying family members continues to grow at my church, and though many have found miraculous healing through prayer, not everyone is so fortunate. There are just so many reminders daily that I’m going to lose my family someday, and I spend more time thinking on this than actually enjoying the time I have with them.

However, through all of this, I am constantly reminded that God is in control of everything. Whatever happens is meant to happen. I may not like God’s timing or his way of doing things, but He’s the perfect one, not me, which means both His timing and His ways are good and true. Looking back at all the things in my life, I can definitely see that. It’s just so difficult sometimes to let Him handle everything. I’m a very independent young woman, and sometimes I get a little arrogant and think I can do everything myself. God made me to be an amazing person, but He didn’t make me Superwoman. I need to learn to be okay with that.

Every time the anxiety and fear of losing someone comes over me, I’m going to stop what I’m doing and say a prayer. Unless I’m driving. Then I’ll keep doing what I’m doing while saying a prayer. But the point is, I need to utilize the tools God has given me, most namely the gift of prayer. I have a 24/7 line to this Dude, who like, created the world and stuff. I need to call more often.

Have you lost a parent, family member or friend? Have you been able to face your fear and grief and overcome it, and if so, how? Leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.